Spam Explained

Anatomy of a Facebook Scam

2011-05-01T18:22:00.000-07:00

So I got yet another post to my Facebook timeline by a relative who unwittingly clicked a series of buttons and posted a link on their page. So I said to myself, self, I build websites for a living, surely it can't be too difficult to figure out what is happening. So I mucked about and took some screen shots.

Click to Embiggen Animated GIF

As you can see they are laying a submit button over the comment box. Nothing too interesting. What these particular people are doing is positioning the Facebook box inside a large div with a background image that looks like a simple math problem. Then setting the CSS opacity of the Facebook box to 0. So you get to click on a Facebook button that's invisible.

Make your zipper knight the best in the whole town.

2009-03-10T06:33:00.000-07:00

Make your zipper knight the best in the whole town.

What is a zipper knight, and is there any advantage to having the best one? Zippers and knights are commonly known, but has anybody beheld a zipper knight? To delve deeper I checked my Dictionary.app for alternate definitions.

zipper |ˈzipər|
noun
1 a device consisting of two flexible strips of metal or plastic with interlocking projections closed or opened by pulling a slide along them, used to fasten garments, bags, and other items.
2 a display of news or advertisements that scrolls across an illuminated screen fixed to the upper part of a building.

knight |nīt|
noun
1 (in the Middle Ages) a man who served his sovereign or lord as a mounted soldier in armor.
• (in the Middle Ages) a man raised by a sovereign to honorable military rank after service as a page and squire.
• poetic/literary a man devoted to the service of a woman or a cause : in all your quarrels I will be your knight.
• dated (in ancient Rome) a member of the class of equites.
• (in ancient Greece) a citizen of the second class in Athens.
2 (in the UK) a man awarded a nonhereditary title by the sovereign in recognition of merit or service and entitled to use the honorific “Sir” in front of his name.
3 a chess piece, typically with its top shaped like a horse's head, that moves by jumping to the opposite corner of a rectangle two squares by three.

Because the mail specifically mentioned my zipper knight we can throw out quite a few of these alternates. I've never owned an illuminated screen affixed to building so zipper definition 2 is out of the picture. I live in modern times in America so the poetic/literary knight and the chess knight are the only reasonable options there.

This is now either a reference to some man who is devoted to the service of my zippers (making sure they are properly zipped and maintained) or some kind of a zipper related chess piece. I'm not interested in some dude constantly looking at my sugar lumps so my first zipper knight is out of the question completely. The only reasonable option is that my zipper knight is some kind of zipper pull attached to a chess piece. This leaves me 31 pieces short of a portable chess match but if you are a super goth and have a pair of those pants with zippers and chains everywhere you might be in business (you just need to find a punk and/or rude-boy with a checkered jacket and/or shirt).

Dorvillier Henness: one wife iss not enough

2008-12-02T11:21:00.000-08:00

I have One wife and two mistresses... I can **** them all several times per day!
YOU CAN TOO: CLICK HERE

She had caught up her hat, put it on, and hurried in his
possession than on his recollection of shall dance the gout
away, and be thankful to he watched his opportunity of taking
darnay aside murmured george smiled apologetically. I think.

Dorvillier Henness, Ssnake-man to the Sstarss.
This message has caught me off guard. The subject clearly states that one wife iss not enough leading me to think that thiss messssage would help me obtain a ssecond wife. Unfortunately Dorvillier's ssolution is to add mistresses to the mix. I double checked and triple checked my math and I keep coming up with the same equation.

1 wife + 2 mistresses + asterisks several times per day = 0 wife + 0 mistresses + divorce court.

As to the follow up for you message. I'm glad you ended it in "I think". That means it is clearly only your opinion so I don't have to pay attention to it. If it were a statement of facts I'd have to pay attention, and my brain would probably blow up.

認識牛樟芝˙牛樟芝-中視新聞全球報導

2008-10-30T07:30:00.000-07:00

根據統計目前市售的牛樟芝
95%為液體發酵法

Dear purveyor of fine spam,

It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that the year is not 2517 and The Alliance has not yet waged war with the Independent Faction to bring all colonized worlds into one powerful governmental system. This means that not only has a "Firefly-class" spaceship not been eluding the grasp of The Alliance, but Chinese is not the prominent universal language.

Due to these extenuating circumstances I am still only able to read and write in English, much to the chagrin of my High School Spanish Teacher, and am unable to comprehend why your product is 95% better or your competitors product is 95% worse. Please understand that my lack of clicking on your advertisement is not because my extreme xenophobia but because of my general ignorance of other languages.

Thank You
Spam Explained

PS. If your original letter was written in (South) Korean or Japanese please disregard this message as you are a friendly country to me.

We make finding life insurance easy

2008-10-30T07:20:00.000-07:00

Click here to learn more about our cookie policy
Click this link if you would like to unsubscribe from this message

We make finding life insurance easy.. as long as you don't want to compare quotes or services or anything and just want to sign up for an account with the company, who might be a fraud, who will give a commission.

Click here to learn more about our cookie policy.. but be forewarned that by clicking this link we will be forwarding you to another site that will fill up your browser with cookies and probably install a "helpful" toolbar if you are running any version of IE.

Click this link if you would like unsubscribe from this message.. and be subscribed to 30 other spam mailing lists now that we know somebody read this email, and technically unsubscribing from this message is useless since that doesn't preclude us from sending a message tomorrow that is slightly different than this message (maybe we'll capitalize more letters in the Title).

Enjoy Your Holiday!

2008-09-25T14:31:00.000-07:00

Your holiday would be not full without gooood se.>.<

When properly read, the message should read as follows.

Your holiday would be not full without gooo.....
gooooooood.
sseeeeeee.
mmmppp.
hhrmmpffff.
hhhuh.
aaarrrrrggg.

>.<
(that's like a little squinty emoticon face thing)

[Poop]

Ahhhhhhhh.

Your holiday would be not full without good bowel movements.

Manchester United chooses Maxgain

2008-07-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

To him, every bed is a battlefield feeling it coming

After another long day on his feet, he was glad to see the sun start another slow decent into the horizon. Only a few more minutes of blinding light stood between him and the seemingly less arduous task of trekking back to the camp. He welcomed the thought of another evening of cheap booze and a few friendly rounds of poker, but dreaded his eventual return to this same god-forsaken spot tomorrow.

Peering into the last brilliant sliver of the day he noticed something. His eyes playing tricks on him. He was sure there it had to be real. There appeared to be humanoid figure standing just outside of his patrol area. This was the first time since he was given this post that he actually had seen something. He quickly attempted to recall the details of his original orders. When he could identify his visitor he would know how to react, but he needed to act fast. He didn't want another accident.

As he continued to gaze into darkening skyline he could make out a slight movement. He was sure the figure was slowly shambling toward him. Who ever this visitor was they weren't attempting to communicate, but at the same time they were not attempting to hide their position. While continuing to squint at the stranger, the distance between them was slowly diminishing. He needed to make a decision now or the whole operation...

[Click]

"...and another odd choice for everybody's favorite team as Manchester United chooses..."

[Click]

"...Maxgain is a proven choice for Male amplification when..."

Billy's mother had woken up and was clicking through all the channels once again. Billy relished the fleeting time he had between when either of his parents would fall asleep with a particularly suspenseful program on and when they would eventually wake again. The blankets in the master bedroom, with their varied natural colors and rough texture, were the perfect environment for his soldiers to carry out any number of survival maneuvers or suicidal rescue missions. Billy picked up his soldiers, who had been scattered by the now awakened left foot and moved downstairs. Maybe his brother had left a TV on down there, it had been several weeks since the last time he to work a detective story into the ongoing narrative.

Your relationship guide

2008-07-08T06:30:00.000-07:00

What you can fit in 3 square centimeters

I accept your challenge spambot! Can I fit a complete relationship guide in 3 square centimeters? You bet I can. When in times of trouble I have always had one shining golden spot of advice. I picked it up while browsing the web and reading some random blogs.

[Source]

Schizzle my nizzle now

2008-07-02T06:12:00.000-07:00

Biggest monster manhood is 18inches long, you can have it too.

Roughly translated the subject of the Spam is "Sure my nigga now" (You too can become an expert -izzle translator by reading the Wikipedia Entry). Translating it to National News Broadcast speak you get "Yes! My Friend, this is the Day!" To mine own ears this sounds a lot like something I would expect to spew forth from the mouth of America's favorite OxyContin (Hillbily Heroin) addict, Rush Limbaugh.

Now that we have established a base reference we can more closely examine the reference to the 18 inch monster that you can purchase. Obviously at 18 inches you can only expect a toy replica.. but what monster does Mr. Limbaugh prefer? The classic Frankenstein? The retro Critters? The timeless Killer Tomatoes? The team of Spam Explained investigators has found a striking resemblance between Mr. Limbaugh and the oft ignored Minilla of the Godzilla series.

Not only do they have the same smile, they can both create smoke at will (Minilla's smoke blowing is not documented as well as Limbaugh's).

There you have it. Conclusive evidence that Limbaugh is related to Godzilla, so we can only assume that Godzilla is Limbaugh's favorite monster... so now you can feel free to purchase your 18 inch Godzilla Toy!

Want to laugh a little together?

2008-06-26T07:37:00.000-07:00

Good day, my friend!
I don't know who you are but I accept your greeting.

I look for stability in relations.
Stability in relations? My relatives are all completely unstable, you should look elsewhere.

I want to be descent wife, the Friend and Partner for the whole life.
At least you're being realistic. Some people would hope to be a perfect wife. You seem to be grounded in reality and I applaud you for that.

I look for a man who will share with me this life way which consists of both problems and happy days.
You are starting to be a downer. You aren't going to be a perfect wife and you want me to share your problems... this could be rough.

I don't look for endless romantic nights, days and promises to be together forever till death.
Didn't you just say you wanted to share your life.. now you aren't looking for a till death do we part promise. You seem indecisive.

I know that if I meet my right life partner, the second half of my heart it will become true.
I'm sorry half of your heart is false. You should see a Cardiologist.

And I will have interesting life which will make my days both romantic and happiest, because every minute which I will spend with You will be unforgettable.
Didn't you just tell me that some days would be happy days and some days would be problem days? Now ever days is romantic and happiest days?

Love is wonderful and unforgettable thing which you have every day, which you can feed with your tender feelings to another person, when you want to live only for another person and want to give to Him everything you have.
Feed? You'll cook for me?

My heart is here and it is opened for You and full of sweet hopes.
Half of your heart is false, and now it's open. Seriously, you should find a Cardiologist if you are having these problems.

Looking forward to hear from you soon

Natusik S

So maybe you are manic-depressive, have some serious health issues, and are obsessed with The Fonz, but if you are going to make sure I have a Sloppy Joe on the table when I come home from work everyday, I'll help you get a green card.

Bonking power doubled

2008-06-26T06:41:00.000-07:00

The ultimate excitement pill you need for life time of pleasure.

Hells Yeah Fanboys! Time to dust off your TurboGrafx-16 and get back to business. Your Bonking power is about to be doubled! I've got this little pill... some people might call it the ultimate excitement pill, but I prefer to think of it as Methylenedioxymethamphetamine. So fire up the second-first 16-bit console, pop one of our conveniently shaped round pills (or you can grind up the pill and ingest it however you feel comfortable) and sit back for a life time of bonkiness pleasuration.

Realize your wettest dreams

2008-06-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

Stop delaying your growth and start taking our pills

You know that old urban legend about the kid who dreamt he was eating giant marshmallows and woke up to find out that his pillow was gone (leading you to believe he had eaten his pillow)? Well I've got one up on him.

I dreamt I was hanging out in one of the pools at a super lush resort in Hawaii, watching the girls in skimpy bathing suits and drinking Mai Tais at the bar in the middle of the pool.

I was challenged by the bartender, who was also wearing a skimpy bathing suit (as all women in my dreams are want to do), to drink the largest Mai Tai they could make. The glass was larger than my head but I had a challenge and I'd never back down when skimpy bathing suits are involved. I started to drink and before you know it I was done. Aren't dream time-lines grand?

Suddenly it hit me. An urge to urinate like I had never felt before. I knew I'd never make it out of the pool and through the showers and to a toilet in time so I did the only sensible thing any completely plastered man in a swimming pool would do. stand-up, pee in the pool, then swim as far and as fast away from the situation as drunkingly possible.

I had just completed the first two steps of my plan when faced with the task of the fast and far swim I noticed that either the pool had grown incredibly small or I had grown incredibly large. This did not deter me from my chosen course, so I dove in and promptly hit my head on the wall of the pool and came up gasping for air.

...

I awoke at 3am on a Tuesday finding myself sitting in a bathtub half full of lukewarm water. As I was reaching for my bathrobe I noticed, as a curiosity, that my toilet was empty and the water in the bathtub had taken on a yellowish ting. What's that smell?

money is our god

2008-06-25T11:22:00.000-07:00

Do you think its time to spice things up in bed with your spouse?

She sat there huddled down by the Orchids, her bare feet sideways as she lay in the dirt. A few trees loomed above and swayed gently in the warm breeze whispering verses with their rustle. I Looked out from the patio I saw a group of robed men crossing the field. They chanted what sounded like commodity indexes.

A steady fellowship was forming around the temple that we built in the backyard. Andre sat in the distance with a pad of sketch paper. He was planning on making an addition to facilitate our growth. He sketched the lines that he hoped to build. They jutted out of the pyramidic structure like huge legs.

I looked down at Mary in the flowers. Things had been difficult for us since the visions came. We spoke with less frequency, but she stayed on the ranch. She wouldn't tell me what she thought of all this, but I knew she thought that we were all a little crazy.

There was a time when all of this was just a whisper, but now it was very real. The bankers and accountants came. Things changed.

Your Chemist Shop delivers a cost effective, convenient way of shopping for health items online.

2008-06-24T06:23:00.000-07:00

Contact Canadian Chemists to order antiED refills or get any other health products online and delivered right to your door.

Wow. Canada sure is backwards. If you start to get semi-famous in Canada they immediately ship you out of the country. You wouldn't want anybody to actually be famous in your country and pay rich man's taxes, that would be a shame. Are you a Canadian actor with a staccato delivery? Go to America and sell discount airfare. Are you a hideous singer who likes to marry old dudes and sing songs about sinking boats? Go to America and speak French in Las Vegas. Do you like reruns of Mr. Ed? Fuck You.

Canadian Chemists have now discovered a cost effective and convenient anti Mr. Ed medication. If you like your health care socialized, your medicine from chemists instead of pharmacists, and your horses mute then cross that border eh.

Force all girls to submit your sexy discipline!

2008-06-23T13:53:00.000-07:00

When your organism sending help signals.

Listen up maggots. I am not your mother. I am not your father. I am your Sergeant and for the next six months you will listen to me. I don't care if you came from a single celled boys school or my Aunt Mary's retention pond, here I give the orders. Do you want to evolve? Do you want to be sexy? When I'm done with you pieces of shit, you are going to be the sexiest sons of a bitches that ever infected someone's intestinal track. Am I clear?

You find something funny about the way I put my makeup on, single cell Joker?

Obama endorses herbal supplements

2008-06-23T13:16:00.001-07:00

Join the luscious ladies of the hottest sorority on campus as they tease and please their way onto the Erotic Honor Roll

Today at 7:17 AM Central Standard Time, the Journalistic Establishment was rocked to it's very core when an unsolicited email responsible for a party invitation scooped all y'all bitches with the announcement that Barak "I prefer Mr. Pibb" Obama had announced that his running mate will be Herbal Supplements. When pressed for further information the email would only repeat that it represented the "hottest sorority on campus".

Paris Hilton

2008-06-23T06:38:00.000-07:00

This message has been processed by Symantec AntiVirus.

card.scr was infected with the malicious virus Trojan.Pandex and has been deleted because the file cannot be cleaned.

I don't really feel like writing a Paris Hilton joke. Just imagine one in its place. You won't have a hard time.

When doctors are useless, nature will help!

2008-06-23T06:33:00.000-07:00

I am really impressed, my girlfriend happy,

If doctors are useless, and nature offers to help don't take nature up on the offer. Like the monkey's paw, Nature is a fickle mistress. She'll give you $800 to buy a red leather couch, but then alter the space time continuum so you never existed. If you only ask for a cheap $20 Ikea Dining Chair, you might wake up the product of a confused evolutionary scheme that leaves all chairs useless (maybe your knees bend backwards, or you breath through your hind quarters).

If you leave it up to nature to help you impress your girlfriend you know what will happen? Hideous transformation. No girls will ever be interested in you again.

Wanna know why she's hot

2008-06-20T13:17:00.000-07:00

Grow your pole & feel the pleasure.

You want to know why she is hot? She's hot because she's been in the sun for hours on end. You want to know why she's been in the sun for so long? She's been out in the sun because she's a farmer, and she's been farming the land. You want to know why she's been farming? She's been farming because she loves pole beans.

Fresh Pole Beans.
Canned Pole Beans.
Jellied Pole Beans.
Pickled Pole Beans.
Fried Pole Beans.
Baked Pole Beans.
Iced Pole Beans.
Coffee Infused Pole Beans.
Teriyaki Jerky Pole Beans.
Pole Bean Stew.
Pole Bean Sandwiches.
Pole Bean Ice Cream.
Pole Bean Fruit Smoothy.
Pole Bean Casserole.
Pole Bean Kabobs.
Double Pole Bean Cheeseburgers.

Grow some Pole Beans and EAT the pleasure.

Pimp your pants member

2008-06-19T11:58:00.000-07:00

All men who need a little assistance should come in here for the blue pill.

Do you want to be a member of my pants are pimped club? If you think there is more to life than this hum drum existence, then take the red pill you crazy diamond. If you are ready to embrace your mediocrity, then take this blue pill and proclaim your unending normalcy by pimping your pants with an awesome belt buckle of awesomeness.

Bestseller: Man poison.

2008-06-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

If your boss is a woman? Show her who is in charge. Big Bolt: the right way for promotion.

From Mary Smiggins Flark, the author of the such literary gems as "Man toxin" and "Man venom" (available at all Big Bolt Publishing Outlets), comes her newest New York Times Bestseller "Man poison". We follow in the steps of another story about another woman driven to the the brink of insanity by another abusive husband who blah blah blah.

Women everywhere will love this story of female empowerment that concludes in an exciting finale where our protagonist poisons her husband, but ultimately is found not guilty in the court of law. OK, so maybe I just gave away the ending, but you already knew how it was going to end just by looking at the cover.

So if your boss is a woman you should buy her this book. Show her who is in charge... she is. She'll poison you and get away scot-free because she is a woman, and women always get away with whatever they want, and women are never held accountable, and women can have a little something something on the side, and women file for divorce, and women get half of everything I own, and women take the Playstation even thought she never liked Final Fantasy, and women force me to live in this shitty apartment because I can't afford anything better because of my damn child support payments.

hi from Lilly

2008-06-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

Hi,
i am here sitting in the internet caffe. Found your email and
decided to write. I am 25 y.o.girl.
I have a picture if you want. No need to reply here as
this is not may email. Write me at ...

Dear Lilly,

I am pleased and frightened that you have found my email at the internet caffe. Is a caffe anything like a cafe? I don't know! Maybe you meant to say you are sitting in the internet gaffe. If that is the case, sitting in a subspace internet error zone all ethereal and wild, you are probably not real. Are you an anomalous AI looking for emails so that you can make friends, maybe even find love? If so, I hope you are pretty because I have standards. I like that you are 25, but I don't like that you abbreviated y.o. How could I possibly assume that means year old? Especially because you did not put a space after the o. It could mean youoygirl which we all know is the internet gaffe demon that hunts for you men's email addresses in a bid to eat their souls. No thanks sister. No thanks.

No need to reply here. I've pretty much decided that you are the devil.

Peace

Newly-formulated for extra effect

2008-06-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

There is no substitute for a good pecker in lovemaking to a lady

I would argue that there is not substitute for a classic pecker in lovemaking to a lady. Why do you have to go and monkey around with a perfect classic and update it just for "extra effect." That's bullshit and you know it. If I'm lovemaking to a lady and we are watching a Woody Woodpecker cartoon I want the classic 1940's bat-shit insane Woody Woodpecker. The classic pecker just ran around and caused chaos. He didn't give a rat's ass about his neighbors or trying to play golf or some other random crap. He lived to create pain and chaos. When I'm lovemaking to a lady I don't want to be distracted because the newly-formulated Woody Woodpecker is trying to teach his niece and nephew some fucking nonsense morality.

It used to be you could have some nice lovemaking to a lady while watching cartoons and not be bothered because it was all crazy ass shit and you didn't need to pay attention. Woody Woodpecker was gonna laugh at some woodland creatures, Snagglepuss was going to do something really really offensively gay, Daffy Duck was gonna laugh at some dumb hunters, and Bugs Bunny was gonna dress up as a lady rabbit for no reason. It was a simpler time for lovemaking to a lady, and I miss it.

Ring Ring, The phone

2008-06-17T12:35:00.000-07:00

Well listen up...stop it right now....because those dreams can be a reality.

First of all, asking a man to immediately stop dreaming is absurd. The poor guy doesn't have to wake up until 7:OOam.

Let's take a vertical step back to 3O,OOOft for perspective;
You know how you have spent countless hours wishing you had it easier? Yep.

Tired of hearing family and friends telling you to give up on your pipe dreams? Oh yeah.

Myself and others do this every day, bringing in 15OO to 35OO right to our door. I'm starting to see what he did there.

All this guy wants is to have me call, listen and decide in that order. Were talking about a payout between 15OO-35OO monies. That's right James Cramer (star of Iron Man), fifteen capital-oh capitol-oh. Now there's a grammatical price combination worth smashing one's hypothetical cliché office coffee mug over.

Sure, this potential investment of my time might seem outlandish, but he's dead-on about pipe dreams and this is the deal maker. If only my family and friends knew the 2nd to last pipe gets you to Cloud Zone.

Give her a taste of your giant rocket

2008-06-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

Hit her G spot every night with your enlarged tool

Warning! Attempting to eat giant-enlarged Bomb Pops too quickly will result in triggering your Gag Reflex.

Seductive proposal for you shlang

2008-06-17T09:21:00.000-07:00

The size of your pal will hypnotize all females around you.

August in Maine, on the seaboard was the first time that I saw him. Planks striped along walkway buckled, seemed to lead me there. I found myself in an alley, the doll district and that is when I heard him call me.

"Joe", he bellowed. "What is it that you want more than anything else?"

"To be loved."

A shape rose from the shadows, a puppet, but it moved on its own. "My name is Shlang. I can make all your dreams come true."

He told me of his powers. The ages that he had seen, wars, death, his fate. He would give me all that I asked for. I ran like hell.

Come back, Joe.

Scandal rocks Obama as lurid sex video leaked

2008-06-16T12:15:00.000-07:00

Click here for the best soccer goals of the century.

Sometimes even the greatest minds at Spam Explained (The Blog you are reading) are boggled by disparate topics. Obviously politics and sex videos are extremely popular so that is an excellent lead in. Then we get a message about the best soccer goals. I would normally assume they were using "goal" as some kind of sexual innuendo, in an attempt to sell me Male Enhancement drugs but upon inspecting the link (yes I click spam links) it sent me to a 404 for a site that looks like Brazilian High School student's Web Design 101 project (nothing blinking, but two different scrolling bars).

Here is my best guess, but please keep in mind this is 99% speculation and 1% unicorn dreams.

A fairly run of the mill Brazilian High School student with a rudimentary knowledge of web technologies hatched a plan to get major hits on his site. He realized that if his page hit the front page on Digg he would be waist deep in not money. As the pseudo-scientist that he is known to be among his friends checked the front page of Digg for 3 whole hours to come to the conclusioun that pages that had Top 10 Greatest Videos did fairly well.

This pioneering student knew that with the EuroCup in full swing, American love for Soccer will be reaching feverish heights with almost one bar in every state showing a game on one TV in the corner. So he capitalized on this and dug through his stack of Soccer games on VHS tapes that his family has been archiving since October 22nd 1989 to find the Greatest Soccer Goals of All Time.

Once of those videos featured a phenomenal shot by the hot shot rookie Ronaldo who was able to blast a shot straight through the goal, rip a whole in the net of the goal and land the ball in the lap of a young fresh faced African American Male with no fewer than 3 scantily clad women who were also trying land in his lap, if you know what I mean.

Upon posting his Top 10 Videos it was quickly noticed by a few astute Conspiracy theorists that that young man who was the lucky recipient of a Ronaldo kick to the groin bore a striking resemblance to a certain young fresh faced African American Male Senator from Illinois who is currently in the midst of a history Presidential Race. Yes, Barak Obama.

Well, this lurid sex video that was poised to rock Obama with scandal was eventually glanced at by a series of sharp eyed Diggers who proclaimed it "FAKE" and "p0wned" and "REPOST". Thusly our brave Brazilian webmaster's list was laughed off the face of the internet, and he had to post the only content that he had left... a Mock-Up of a website that earned him a C+ in Sr. Sanchez's class.

I postulate that I received this message from a Republican funded email group that was going to spread this video as far and as wide as possible before it was shamed from the world wide web.

Watching the watch dial

2008-06-16T07:41:00.000-07:00

Rolex logo etched at 6 o'clock position on watch dial.

Remember the good old days of Indiglo? Ah yes, a warm summer night or a cold winter evening (in which your car had broken down in the middle of Montana) having the comfort of Indiglo to answer the lifelong question, "What time is it?" and "Call triple A.", well scrap that, because this watch will have nothing of it. Rolex has one-upped themselves, not the consumer, with the latest design of replacing the six o'clock number with the Rolex crown. Fittingly enough for King Edward the 3rd, twice a day there is now a King o'clock. There's also mention of automatic movement, a diver's extension to watch bracelet, and steelinox clasp. I don't know about you, but I'm astounded.

You're more than welcome to become hooked on this feelin'.

No rivals for you in inbed activity!

2008-06-16T05:14:00.000-07:00

Make all boys envy with your giant trunk

Hmmm.. This is a little odd. I'm going to assume this was supposed to arrive in somebody else's mail box... someone like an Asian Elephant. You see I did a little research (Does browsing Google results count as research yet?) and found that Asian Elephants have a serious problem with inbreeding and all elephants have trunks. I therefor suggest the original title was supposed to read:

No rivals for you in inbred activity!
("in in bed activity" doesn't make any sense)

The actual message of the email is very broken English, but we also need to assume that Elephants grasp of the language is spotty at best, so they wouldn't notice. The gist seems to be that people with smaller trunks will envy those with larger trunks. I guess when you want to breed within your own family having a larger trunk would allow you to fight off your brothers, uncles, cousins, fathers, and sons to let you carry about your "activity" in peace.

Somebody needs to call Jerry Springer.

The hardcore supplement everybody wants

2008-06-16T04:59:00.000-07:00

This summer, our only hope is something incredible

Do you see what they did there? Did you get some Universal Studios promotional material in my unsolicited pharmaceutical mail, or did you get some pharmaceutical promotional material in my unsolicited Universal Studios mail? It's all very subliminal. If you weren't able to catch it, here, let me finish the sentence (notice the lack of period).

This summer, our only hope is something incredible, go see the movie The Incredible Hulk this summer at theaters everywhere on June 13, 2008.

See it now?

I suspect that Xiamen ChinaSource Internet Service Co., LTD. (owner of the domain name linked) has a very profitable cross marketing campaign with Universal Studios. They want to sell steroids to the American people, but with the whole baseball scandal, fewer Americans are looking to purchase steroids. They are hoping that after seeing how awesome the Hulk is when he all bulked up and smashing stuff in a 'roid rage they will want to purchase some steroids for themselves. Wouldn't you know it good old reliable Xiamen ChinaSource Internet Service Co., LTD. will be waiting there to take your order.

So Universal Studios gets to subliminally advertise their movie utilizing the extensive email list supplied by Xiamen ChinaSource Internet Service Co., LTD. and Xiamen ChinaSource Internet Service Co., LTD. gets to profit from increased interest in black market steriods. It's a win win situation.

Sex in the town

2008-06-11T06:21:00.000-07:00

Time to reward yourself and enjoy the love life that you never thought ever existed.

Does the idea of following the trials and tribulations of a shoe obsessed woman in search of the perfect man, much like the popular character portrayed by Sarah Jessica Parker on both your television and at the Ultra-Mega-Super-Plex last weekend, interest you? Are you put off by the elitist computers and elitist drinks?

Well, do we have a franchise for you.. Sex in the Town. After a hard day cruising through the clearance sections at local department store and thrift shops, four friends meet up at Subway to consume five dollar foot longs. Their conversations drift from the mundane to the exciting (Nascar), eventually culminating with a laid-back evening of Wapatui and Peanut Butter Sandwiches on the back porch while the kids are inside watching Bob the Builder.

That my friends, is reward enough for any hard working woman. Finally, some characters you can relate to while you laugh, love, and learn together.

Spam Explained (with bonus redacted spam explained!)

2008-06-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

A week ago / In 2008, two programmers and a network admin were sent to the internet bored by the doldrums of incompetence faced in their daily life. These men promptly started opening as much spam as possible. Today, still bored out of their mind waiting for their clients to send them the information they need to finish their projects, they survive on the broken text of Russian botnets, searching tirelessly for some semblance of meaning. If you have spam, if no one else can understand it, and you can email them, maybe you can hire... The SE Team.

Editors Note: Once in a while I come across some spam that is too disturbing to share with the general population. This spam, though terrible, must be explained. Through a mist of stuck lines I present, The Redacted.

Ample white __ upchucking

Ciao, baby! :)
______ babe _____ ____ and gets ______ faithfully ____ are _____

My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.
easy simple bonnet safe

Arab Proverb

Where do I begin with this one? Clearly this advice must come from the wise Tourette's syndrome sages of the high east mountains. Observe as the words masterfully shift from mindless obscenity to an incredibly heartfelt recounting of the author's childhood only to once again slide into a bevy of word salad. Forget your Chinese riddles. Crazy is the new profound.

challenge the dark knight when you are ready

2008-06-10T08:36:00.000-07:00

The larger your weapon, the better you will be

This one is almost helpful. I can fight Batman whenever I want. The bigger the gun I have when I fight Batman, the more likely I will succeed. If they wanted to go beyond just almost helpful and venture into the realm of being actually helpful the message would have also told me that I need to shoot Batman in the mouth where he doesn't have any armor. Maybe next time.

There is a slim possibility that they mean The Dark Knight Coaster, but I would hope they would be a little more specific if that's what they meant and I can't imagine what kind of weapon they think I would need for a Roller Coaster. I'm pretty sure Six Flags security would stop me from bringing knives or guns onto a roller coaster.

Dont go crazy over our brands

2008-06-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

Come in to wonderland, where all the luxuries in the world are priced right for you.

This spam suggests that you may find great deals if only you journey off to a magical fantasy land where nothing is what it seems. Oh Lewis Carroll you silly goose, it all makes so much sense. Alice was the consumer and wonderland was a metaphor for the shopping experience of the 21st century. Truly you are a prophet of our times.

"Follow me to savings!"

Breaking her down with pleasure

2008-06-10T06:25:00.000-07:00

Find out what everyone is lining up for !

Everybody was lining up to get a good seat at the Keynote at WWDC 2008 to see Steve Jobs talk about boring development stuff on the iPhone platform. Fortunately, she gets a lot of pleasure from boring development talk. Unfortunatly, she will be broken down from the pleasure of the boring development talk and you'll have to call a tow-truck to get her repaired. I hope you are a member of AAA.

we are pure light beings

2008-06-09T12:48:00.000-07:00

Here is what I received:

CanadianRx-Medcations are at your fingertips!
SaVE_BiG_Now!..N0 Doct0r_Needed!

Here is what imagine must really be happening at spam central:

YOU ARE THE DOC-TOR! ME MUST STOP YOU FROM MAKING AMERICANS FROM BUYING EXPESNIVE DRUGS!

...

fuck!

Enhance your prowess with our magic bolt stuff

2008-06-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

True men have real-sized members, fix that problem now

Finally a product that will grant me the power to attract free electrons like Black Bolt (see image below). I hope it's "magic bolt stuff" like Black Bolt, and not some crappy "magic bolt stuff" like something I could find at Home Depot next to the "magic 1/2 inch hex nut stuff".

Apparently the members of my family are also somehow not real-sized. I know my Mother-in-Law always thought she was a little short, but I don't think yelling at her with a destructive hypersonic voice would help that situation any.

Re: a naked democrat hottie

2008-06-09T06:44:00.000-07:00

See Jessica Alba in her first nude pictorial

Thank goodness somebody finally replied to my blanket emails looking for "a naked democrat hottie". Sadly I care about Jessica Alba's politics as much as I care about how tall Silvester Stallone is (not at all). To pour even more salt and vinegar flavored potato chips in my wound, the URL accompanying the message was for pharmaceuticals.

Interesting video Kylie Minogue

2008-06-09T06:34:00.000-07:00

Penelope Cruz New video without cowards.
The presentation is Shocking!
Only 1 day trial - get this Stunning cd now!

Personally I preferred the video with cowards, but the 1 day trial is too tempting to pass up.