Spam Explained (with bonus redacted spam explained!)

A week ago / In 2008, two programmers and a network admin were sent to the internet bored by the doldrums of incompetence faced in their daily life. These men promptly started opening as much spam as possible. Today, still bored out of their mind waiting for their clients to send them the information they need to finish their projects, they survive on the broken text of Russian botnets, searching tirelessly for some semblance of meaning. If you have spam, if no one else can understand it, and you can email them, maybe you can hire... The SE Team.

Editors Note: Once in a while I come across some spam that is too disturbing to share with the general population. This spam, though terrible, must be explained. Through a mist of stuck lines I present, The Redacted.

Ample white __ upchucking

Ciao, baby! :)
______ babe _____ ____ and gets ______ faithfully ____ are _____

My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.
easy simple bonnet safe

Arab Proverb

Where do I begin with this one? Clearly this advice must come from the wise Tourette's syndrome sages of the high east mountains. Observe as the words masterfully shift from mindless obscenity to an incredibly heartfelt recounting of the author's childhood only to once again slide into a bevy of word salad. Forget your Chinese riddles. Crazy is the new profound.